I’d been dating this guy for six weeks. He was sweet, kind, charming – all the good stuff. It was going great. One night at 2am, a conversation spiralled out of control, and it was over.
The topic isn’t too important. I said something about the idea of pretty privilege and how physical attractiveness eases things in social and romantic pursuits. I gave some real-life examples from myself – comparing my awkward teen years to my more blossoming twenties, and referenced some people I know. He called me shallow. It spiralled to other things, and soon I was accused of having a superiority complex and thinking I was smarter than everyone else. Would you believe me that just a few hours earlier I’d confided in my friends that I didn’t think I was smart enough for him? He also told me my character is manipulative, victimizing, seeking pity, and some other diagnoses, all within a few minutes.
It’s funny, the immediate reaction one has to being insulted, the immediate need to defend oneself. My ego couldn’t handle it. Throwing back fire, I told him to ‘hold a mirror and say that to yourself’. His ego couldn’t handle that. We didn’t end on a good note, and after we finished the call, he sent a text ending the relationship.
In the next few days, I let his words meditate in my mind. Retrospectively, I could calmly reflect and inspect his words, analyze if there was any truth to them. I advise to distill any conversation you have when you have distance from it, when you can appreciate them objectively, with an outsider’s perspective. I didn’t really resent him for the conversation – it was an opportunity for me to reflect on myself. Regardless of whether he should have said it or not, it’s sometimes good to get feedback from your outside environment, inspect it, analyze it, and then decide whether to build on it or discard it.
I think one must try to separate oneself as the attacked, and just simply observe whether there is truth in it or not. If there is truth in it, leverage it as a learning lesson. It’s good someone pointed it out, it’s good someone called you out on it. If there doesn’t seem to be truth in it, then reject it. You’re making an informed decision about yourself, and after having considered all the facts – you know the truth. But the key is to be completely honest about yourself. And if you are offended by it – don’t be. You are only offended by something if it is true. If it is not, leave it as a reflection of the insulter’s character.
So what was my conclusion about myself? Had he been right about me? Was I someone who thought myself better than other people, who liked attention and thus enjoyed victimizing myself? I don’t think I was like that with him. Ever. However, there are periods of my life where perhaps his words held truth. Our personalities aren’t set in stone, and different people and contexts bring out different versions of ourselves. What’s interesting is that I talked to my family about my conversation with him – I wanted to know from their perspective, what they thought of me. They know me best. And – to be honest – they are the ones around which my arrogance or superiority complex may come out the most. When discussing this with my sister, she mentioned something interesting: “your family won’t ever reject you, so you don’t hold yourself back from showing unrestrained emotions”. Wow. Yes. Your family is there for all of who you are, the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. They get the extremes and all the in-between – at least in my case. They also give you their extremes and all the in-between. And we accept it all, because we know who we are at the core, beneath all the surface-level personality diagnosis and labels and mood swings. And it’s that core, not the surface, that one should strive to see in any person.
“You know your center. You know yourself,” said my dad. “That’s all that matters, not what others think of you.”
I hold this philosophy in life, and strive to live by it. Just take what comes your way, and cultivate the ability to recognize truths (the hardest ones are the ones about yourself); only then, can any insults or challenges or attempts to make you doubt yourself, can be deflected, because what others think of you doesn’t change you who you are. Only what you think of yourself, changes who you are.